Trusting Your Paranoia

I feel bad. And guilty. And sad. On Thursday we had a scheduled play date at the mall with a friend and her baby girl. It didn't even dawn on me until that morning that Halloween was only three days away and that there was a very good possibility that my boys would pick up a virus at the germy play center which would most likely manifest itself in my household precisely 48 hrs. after invading my kiddos bodies...right on time for Halloween weekend. This is how the conversation went in my head as I was driving the boys to the mall:

Paranoid me: The boys are totally going to get sick

Rational me: Well you can't keep them home forever...and how stupid would it sound to tell Kim that the reason you couldn't go was because the kids might get sick. LAME!

Paranoid me: Yeah, but this is Seth's favorite holiday! It's all he's been talking about for 6 weeks (not an exaggeration). You know how miserable he gets when he catches a cold. It will ruin the whole weekend!

Rational me: They're slowly building up an immunity to germs! They don't always get sick. Besides, we've been in the house for 2 days straight (due to weird weather). This will be good for them and good for you! Don't worry!

Paranoid me: Listen to your gut! Just turn around and ensure a healthy and pleasant Halloween for everyone! Why take the chance? And, by the way, yes they do ALWAYS get sick.

Well, we all know what happened and I wish I did just turn around. Both boys have what seem to be bad colds. They are fine, really, just a little more whiny, uncomfortable, and tired. I just feel bad that they will be out trick or treating (we are going no matter what) while feeling sick. They both have fevers but I'm praying it doesn't get worse overnight. We had to miss our church Halloween party today and they will miss church festivities tomorrow. We're also supposed to be celebrating my niece's and nephew's birthdays before we all go out trick or treating so I'm really hoping that still works out!

It's situations like these that make me feel annoyed at myself. What would you have done? I think it is almost laughable for me to have kept my kids home b/c of the possibility that they may get sick but it would've done my kids a whole lot of good to listen to my gut. It was just the mall...not very important at all. Not worth ruining this holiday that they have been eagerly waiting for (Seth has been practicing trick or treating at home...walking around and knocking on all our doors in the house and rehearsing his "trick or treat"). At least Seth is past the stage where he would get the horrible croup with every single cold and we'd have to use the nebulizer. But still.

The Boys with their cousin, Sarah, at The Zoo Goes Boo!

P.S. I am now hearing "barking" from their bedroom. *SIGH*

The weekend where we lose Caleb....twice.

Yesterday we brought the kids to the play area in the mall since it was quite chilly outside and we wanted to get out of the house. Scott and I were sitting on the benches surrounding the play area chatting while of course watching the kids. The play area was very full and brimming with activity. There is a large "tree house" in the middle of the area which provides multiple hiding spots for the kiddos. Perhaps that is why we lost track of our wee little one. When I lost sight of him I just assumed he must be in one of the tunnels or up in the tree or hiding under the steps, etc. It was not until Seth ran up and mentioned he couldn't find Caleb that I became concerned and started scanning the area for him, sending Scott in one direction, while I started searching in another. I circled around the tree, making sure to look up, down, and inside nooks and corners in my quest. Still no Caleb. It wasn't until I saw Scott come around the tree (empty handed) that I felt my heart start to race and found myself having a hard time swallowing. My pace quickened and I started feeling desperate in my attempt to find my child. I was most definitely in a panic. I stopped looking inside the play area and focused my eyes out into the very crowded mall. Thank God it didn't take too long to spot a curious curly haired toddler pushing somebody else's empty stroller around the mall!! I quickly scooped him up, returned the stroller to its' parked spot, and gave my boy the biggest hug of all time! At that time I felt somebody's eyes on me. Another Mom had been observing the drama and commented to me that she had been watching Caleb and if he had started to wander off any further she was planning on putting him back in the play center. I thanked her profusely but felt really embarrassed that I had lost track of my child! I think it had only been 2 minutes that he was out of my sight...and probably 2 minutes of us searching...geesh...guess that's all it takes.

Not being able to find Caleb felt absolutely horrible. Even the wonderful relief I felt upon seeing him was quickly replaced by looming guilt that invaded after everything was calm. The experience was still pretty fresh when we had to re-live all those emotions the very next day! Yup...Caleb took off again!

This time he wandered off at church. So not as dangerous, per se, as a crowded mall but I still found myself frantic nonetheless. I was using the restroom, so technically it was on Scott's watch but still....what is wrong with us?!? Scott says he saw Caleb lying on the floor playing after sunday school one minute, turned to settle Seth into nursery, came back and the boy was gone! Mind you, our church has a huge basement (where nursery and classes are held) with what seems like 50 doors that lead to 50 different rooms, and with most of the lights usually turned off , it can feel like a fun house maze. There's 3 different stairwells, one of which leading to the main door where people are going in and out of church. Oh! which is located on a busy street, I might add. Caleb has tried to escape out of said door on other occasions so, of course, I am frantically running up and down the stairs calling out for him (as is Scott...who now knows what our little monkey is capable of). We are new to this church, I might add, so it's not like everyone knows us and our children and we certainly are not familiar with the complete layout of the church building. After what seemed like an eternity (5 minutes) a kind lady found him in the upstairs kitchen. She didn't seem too impressed when I poked fun of myself for losing him briefly just the day before! Good grief! I am going to have to be a pretty awesome mom this week in order to redeem myself of such irresponsible parenting!

Summer Pics

Here are some of my favorite pictures from this summer. We spent eight weeks in MA visiting family and had a great time (mostly). I probably took about 200 pictures while we were there so this is just the tip of the summer pics iceberg. I find if I choose to wait until I have time to post everything then....well....we all know it just will never happen so I just gotta do what I can do when I have even a little bit of time.

This horse had a great personality! I think he thought Seth's stuffed animal was food but I thought it was super cute how playful he was with the boys!

This is actually Easter morning (not from MA). I just love how Caleb was running and then stopped to pose for me! He is my happy boy!

Seth helped my Dad (Poppi) plant his garden as well as water it and help tend to it weekly. Right before we left he was able to pick the very first tomato! Of course he didn't eat it but he did carry it around for a while!

Toward the end of our stay we visited an animal sanctuary that the kids love to go to. This was one of my favorite days while we were there. It was a gorgeous day, serene setting, and my boys were full of wonder as they walked around the farm finding all the animals (who are allowed to roam free).

Catchin' Up

Ths is really old news but here is the e-mail I sent out to family after Scott got his results back from the GI doc. I wanted to have it documented here before I started to blog regularly again so bear with me if you already know all this.

Dear friends and family,
As you all know Scott had his upper GI system scoped today to try to determine why he's been unable to swallow food (for over a week now). The pictures revealed that he has a condition called Barrett's esophagitis. Apparently this can result from severe cases of GERD (Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease) but some people do not experience symptoms at all...until they are suddenly unable to swallow (like Scott). Scott has ulcers and abnormal cell lining in his esophagus that has formed due to the irritation. The doctor has done a few biopsies and we will hear back in about a week if everything is clear. It was explained to us that, when left untreated, Barrett's can lead to pre-cancerous cells forming...so scheduling routine visits to the GI doc will be in our future to make sure things are not getting worse. Scott has been put on Prilosec to keep the reflux under control and had his esophagus opened or "stretched" so that he can eat again. The nurse commented that is was quite constricted and that he should feel a big difference now that it is opened up more. We were also told that he will most likely have to have this procedure done again as most people with Barrett's have recurring issues with swallowing. He also will have to make a few lifestlye changes to keep the reflux at bay. We feel relieved that we have some answers as to why Scott couldn't swallow. It was quite alarming and came on the heels of his wisdom teeth being extracted so he has not eaten a decent meal in over 2 weeks! Needless to say, he is very excited to eat a burger when he starts to feel better...which hopefully will be soon! Thank you all for your prayers, support, and concern. I know Scott has felt loved and cared for by you all and has appreciated your encouragement. To read more about Barrett's I included a very basic overview of the condition in the link below.Thanks again!
Rachel

**Biopsies came back normal for cancer but positive for Barretts (which isn't a surprise).

Update on Scott

The oral surgeon and a doctor from our family practice did not discover anything wrong with Scott's throat or mouth on Monday. The doctor told Scott to take some Ibuprofen and if it didn't go away for a few days to call back so they could order a few tests to try to determine why he can't swallow.
Around 8:00 he followed doctor's orders and took the Ibuprofen. Only problem, the pills wouldn't go down and caused his problem to become significantly worse. At this point I am thinking I have to crush the pills up and put them in applesauce so I call the pharmacist to ask some advice and also to check on Benadryl dosage (because I'm thinking a little benadryl can't hurt and we only have children's Benardryl). The pharmacist tells me if Scott can't swallow a small pill like motrin then he needs to go to the ER because that is NOT NORMAL!! She tells me to get off the phone and get him there as soon as I can! Scott is starting to feel alarmed because his throat is starting to swell again so we decide to go to Urgent Care. It was a blessing that my sister was here so we didn't have to worry about a sitter for the boys (who were already in bed anyway). It ended up that the Urgent Care Center didn't have the proper equipment to do the testing Scott needed (even though we called ahead of time to make sure they did...so frustrating) so they sent us to the ER. The doctor suspected that Scott had a condition where the esophagus forms scar tissue and starts to narrow in certain places causing swallowing difficulties...some kind of fissure. We were seen at 11:05 p.m. Turns out the radiologist at this particular hospital disappears every night at 11:00...yeah, five minutes too late. We had to wait until 2 a.m. to see another radiologist who was covering 3 different hospitals in town. When the radiologist finally arrived he did a barium swallow test on Scott in which everything checked out normal. At this point we are absolutely BAFFLED as to what is going on!!! The doctor talks a little about acid reflux, gives Scott a Prilosec, and writes a referral for Scott to see a GI doctor.
Scott takes the pill, which immediately causes more aggravation and discomfort, which results in Scott having a horrible night of pain and sleeplessness. Not good. Not good at all.
The plan from here is that he has an appointment with a GI doctor for Wednesday in which they will put him under for two hours to scope his upper GI system. The poor guy still cannot swallow and has been living off of chicken broth and shakes. I've had to do some research on how to keep him getting the protein he needs to function and stay hydrated. It has been a trial, to say the least, never mind all of the worrying that is going on. The little research we've done on our own has turned up several different possibilities of what could be wrong...some of them I don't even want to consider. Apparently it takes over 50 different muscles and nerves working together just to perform the simple act of swallowing...something I will never take for granted again!
Please pray that Wednesday's appointment goes well and that Scott will have some relief soon. I will keep you posted if anything changes or improves!!

Sick

I am still alive. Barely. Last Tuesday Scott had one wisdom tooth and a molar extracted...it was an emergency due to an infection. The recovery has been longer than we expected. On Wednesday my sister Becky and brother Nate arrived. We had a great day Thursday. Friday morning I woke up feeling very nauseous and weak. As the day went on I got progressively worse and by dinner I was curled up in bed a big shivering mess. Awful night. Saturday I had aches and pains so bad that I wanted to cut off parts of my body to alleviate the discomfort...thank God for Thermaflu and Ibuprofen. Seriously, my fingers and toes hurt. I had a better night and woke up with a stomach ache but had more energy and was hopeful the worst was behind me. I still couldn't eat most of the day but actually got out for a walk!! I decided a few bites of dinner couldn't hurt. Boy was that a mistake. I paid for it that night and all day today (Monday). Still can't eat. Still sick. Still trying to stay hopeful that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Today Scott called from work. He had driven himself to the ER because his throat had started to swell to the point where he was having a hard time swallowing. Except he wouldn't go in. He wanted to call his oral surgeon first to rule out a potential side effect from the surgery. Long story short (and still not over)...he went to the oral surgeon where everything checked out. He is now seeing our doctor who will hopefully have some answers. In the midst of all this we have company!!! Nate left today but Becky is here and having to endure all this chaos! I really hope things take a turn soon so I can actually be a good hostess and enjoy being with my sister. Oh, and food would be nice too.

Babies Don't Keep

Mother, O Mother, come shake out your cloth,
Empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
Hang out the washing, make up the bed,
Sew on a button and butter the bread.

Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She’s up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.

Oh, I’ve grown as shiftless as Little Boy Blue,
Lullabye, rockabye, lullabye loo.
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
Pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo

The shopping’s not done and there’s nothing for stew
And out in the yard there’s a hullabaloo
But I’m playing Kanga and this is my Roo
Look! Aren’t his eyes the most wonderful hue?
Lullabye, rockaby lullabye loo.

The cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow
But children grow up as I’ve learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down cobwebs; Dust go to sleep!
I’m rocking my baby and babies don’t keep.

By: Ruth Hamilton

I have been seeing bits and pieces of this poem over the last few months on different blogs I read and on one friend's facebook status which prompted me to find it in its' entirety. I love it. This poem is a great reminder to me of what is really important during this time that I'm home with the boys. I know I will miss their perfect baby noses, squishy cheeks, and little voices someday and though there will always be dirty dishes, floors, and laundry to tend to there won't always be time to really spend with my little ones. Time is the one thing that always seems to slip away so quickly and can be very sneaky in doing so. Time can go by so fast and yet so slow, can feel dreadfully long while also frighteningly short, and is our enemy and yet our friend. It slowly marches forward...steadily, quietly, and consistently...changing our lives as it leaves its' mark. So, today, I will keep this "time theme" in the forefront of my mind. And when the boys wake up from their naps we will play on the floor together, read books, dance to music, and make a big old mess...and then I will cuddle with them (whether they like it or not)!