Everything is Sacred

There's a Caedmon's Call song that starts out:

This house is a good mess

It's the proof of life

No way would I trade jobs

But it don't pay overtime

The singer goes on to sing about all the daily duties and seemingly insignificant tasks she does day in and day out as a wife and mom and how just when it seems she is catching up at the end of the day the realization sets in that it will all be undone again with a new day at hand.

She goes on to sing:

Could it be that everything is sacred

And All this time

Everything I've dreamed of

Has been right before my eyes

Ever since my bedrest experience I can't listen to this song without tearing up. After I got home, after Caleb's birth, simple things like washing my own dishes, folding the laundry, and changing my son's diapers suddenly seemed sacred. Things that I complained about doing in the past I was now eager to do...and actually enjoyed doing because I had been so dependent on other people for 8 weeks, and had felt so robbed of my role as a wife and mom.

You would think that lying in bed while everyone did everything for you would be wonderful, right? Surely that is every mom's dream...especially when you are 7 months pregnant. There were many days I had prayed for that kind of break...days when I felt so exhausted by the hard pregnancy and a little boy who always wanted to be held. But then when I was told that I could not run my household any longer...I could not cook, clean, shop, let the dog out, change the sheets, do laundry, drive....OR HOLD MY SON....I was devastated. It was either let things go around the house (which some things Did.Really.Go.) Or, it was completely depend on others to care for my house and family....and sometimes I felt extremely grateful, blessed, and humbled by all the help we recieved...and other times I felt insignificant, incapable, and extremely bitter. Bitter that I was missing out on so much of every day life. You know, the day in and day out stuff that occurs when you're home a lot with your child...the things you take for granted. The moments that make it all worthwhile. We all know "those kind of moments" because those are the things that keep us going...they are the moments that remind us that we actually DO love being moms. Like experiencing your child doing something for the first time, or having a goofy moment, or being there when your child hurts himself and wants you to make him feel better. Those times cannot be replaced.

So, when you find out from your mother in law that your fifteen month old has learned a new word and suddenly hates cheese....it hurts... because you realize you are missing out on the privilege of knowing your child best...because you are only able to see him 45 minutes a day in the confined space of a hospital room. Every day was a struggle for me...I had to let go...I had to share my role...I had to trust...it was hard. Very hard. Seth also learned to walk while I was lying in bed trying to help Caleb stay put. Did that sting? Yes. Was it for the best? Yes. It was almost like I had to grieve the loss of being absent from Seth's life during those two months...very emotional time for me.

I guess all of this to say that sometimes I need to remind myself of how blessed I am to be able to wipe my son's nose, to kiss his boo boos, to change his diapers (even the poopy ones) and to make his meals even when he won't eat....because at least I am present...we are together....and I am experiencing those every day seemingly insignificant "moments" with him...and now I know that they are not insignificant at all...they are extremely important and they will be cherished forever.

Sure, the house IS a mess most of the time. It takes me a week to clean the whole bathroom, the sheets don't get changed as often as they should, and sometimes the laundry piles up so high the dog prefers sleeping on the huge mound of clothes rather than his own little doggy bed. Things get really crazy around here...but at least it's my crazy and I know I wouldn't want it any other way. I've learned that every little thing is truly sacred.

P.S. You are all allowed to remind me of this post when I am complaining, whining, or having a pity party about how overwhelmed, tired, and burnt out I feel on a day to day basis...well, let me vent first...then validate me....then remind me, okay?

I know many of you are wondering about Caleb's stomach problems (reason why I have hardly blogged this month)...I am not ready to write about it yet (too negative)...but will shortly....when he turns a corner.